November 11th, 2019
I chose not to attend the ACA meeting tonight, which is not an easy choice because I always benefit from attending a meeting. I woke up today overcome with sadness. This heaviness on me the moment my feet hit the floor. Today is Veteran’s Day. I am a veteran and so is my father. In recent years, my dad has gone out of his way to say happy Veteran’s Day and has even taking me out. I don’t hear from him on my birthday, but Veteran’s Day he remembers. Not this year. My dad has not returned my calls since I launched this website. I can speculate why, but since I don’t truly know, I cannot speak to his motives.
On this day, I miss my dad every much. I love hearing him tell stories about fond memories he had during his time in service. My dad can tell a story. I called him this morning, no answer, and left a message. I can’t control anyone else, only myself. Thanks to the ACA, and all my personal growth work, I can be proud of how I am showing up today. I feel my sad feelings, my disappointment, but do not allow those feelings to persuade me to withhold my appreciation. I appreciate my dad on this day, and everyday. My love is unconditional. I accept my dad’s choices. I take full responsibility for my actions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, and behavior. On this day I am sad, but I am proud of myself too.
Passage from the daily meditation on this day:
“It isn’t focusing on what we don’t have and what others do have. It isn’t looking for looking to other to affirm who we are… In ACA, we learn that serenity isn’t an entity; it’s a feeling, an experience. It’s the wisdom to know when we are powerless and to accept that truth without feeling less than. It’s the inner strength that tells us we’re okay regardless of how the world may view us. It’s the ability to forgive others and ourselves for not being perfect or not living up to certain expectations.”
I felt serenity today. At work I got to push shopping carts in from the parking lot. It was 15 degrees here, with a good bit of wind. I was happy to do my job. People expressed pity, and sorrow for me, but I was at peace. The weather, circumstances, situations, etc. do not control my outlook, I do!
November 4th, 2019
I am so grateful for my ACA home group. This is a place where I always feel accepted. I can empty my soul of hurt which may be lingering from growing up with alcoholism. Tonight’s reading from the ACA Big Red Book (BRB) was about Tradition Twelve, which is about anonymity ingrained in all twelve steps. Here are some excerpts which stood out to me:
“I often ask myself a question before I speak, especially if my Inner Child is getting restless and wants to blurt out something. I ask: ‘Will what I say promote unity and clarity, or am I using my personality to control or manipulate others? Do I want to do the most good for the most people, or do I want to help only a few or just myself?'”
“I was anonymous in my family of origin, but it was an anonymity that actually meant I did not count.”
“Anonymity also means that we do not talk about someone else’s story or sharing that occurs at meetings.”
Tonight I shared my confusion about if I am sharing correctly… How co-dependent of me. As an Adult Child I don’t know what is normal. Always checking around me to see what others are doing. I want to be “right,” accepted, and fit in. This is also known as perfectionism, something I struggle with. If something I do isn’t perfect, I’ll do it again. I will try again, and again. This tenacity can be an amazing tool, except for when I use it to abuse myself. Example, when perfectionism becomes the thing standing in the way of my going for my dreams. When I am so critical of the things I do, but never give myself credit for the steps I have taken. I am human, I make mistakes. The best I’ve got is to learn from my experiences and always do my best.
I did feel like I didn’t count in my family growing up. I felt like an unwanted outsider. It seemed I spent more nights (during adolescence) crying in my room with my dinner then at the dinner table. I longed for connection, to feel like someone cared. I didn’t feel I mattered. I am still longing for connection.
What has this taught me? What will I do better? I will do my best to create strong connections with those I love. I will meet situations with loving kindness, and a desire to understand the needs and feelings of those I interact with. I will create a home build on love, trust, and communication.
Please enjoy the Daily ACA Reading/Meditation! Here’s an excerpt:
We can learn to sit peacefully, no longer worrying about what other are doing. We practice self-care and feel gratitude for the new insights that we continue to have.
On this day I will nurture my True Self by No longer living in fear and by not worrying about things that are none of my business.