A Moment in the Darkness

The past week or so I found myself truly struggling. I was overcome by thoughts about not being good enough, not having enough, not doing enough, and on, and on. I know these things aren’t true, but when I am in the grips of them it’s hard to see a way out.

My partner and child are so supportive, repeating back the tools I often use. It’s not personal. Is that true? How can I support you right now? I am so blessed to have them in my life. The hugs and comfort are deeply appreciated.

When I could be in the moment, I felt calm and peaceful, but it was a state which was hard to hold on to. This practice of being present or mindful, is just that, a practice. It is easy to be present when my thoughts are here in the moment; loving the light coming in through the window, enjoying the sound of my cat purring, enthusiastically helping someone with a problem.

When the darkness falls, it is time to do the work! It’s time to face what comes up. Hold myself with compassion and love. Give those thoughts space, allow them to be. Remember, I am not my thoughts. My thoughts are not personal. I will keep practicing! I will not give up!

I have come a very long way on this journey of self discovery. I am not even the same person I was 2 years ago. I have given up alcohol, cigarettes, and now watch almost no television. I was checked out of my life. I was living as an Adult Child. The victim of life happening to me. These traits which I have lived for so long are a deeply worn path. I choose to walk a new path, and accept when I stumble and fall back into those old habits.

I believe in myself! I can accomplish anything I set my mind to!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson

I know these words to be true, and yet I struggle at times to allow my light to shine. I hope while I’m on this journey I can support those around me, as well as myself, to step out, unleash your greatest expression! The world goes without when we don’t share our gifts. We all have a contribution to make!

Proud Pollyanna

In the book Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway, Susan Jeffers talks about the Pollyanna attitude. She points out pessimism is no more realistic than optimism.


an excessively or blindly optimistic person


She begs the question why do we see optimism as unrealistic? I ask. What’s realistic about Murphy’s Law, what can go wrong will go wrong?

I was at a painting class and said something “sun-shiney” when a women across from me said, “oh, you’re one of those people.” To which I thought. Oh, you’re one of those people. Miserable woe-is-me pessimist, but I just smiled. I don’t know this women’s story, her pain.

I’m a proud pollyanna, choosing to be excessively cheerful and optimistic. There are many studies highlighting the numerous benefits, to health, relationships, happiness, etc., of positive emotions and positive thinking.

I believe we collect evidence to prove what we believe to be true. Therefore if you believe people are assholes, everyone is out to get you, and the world is a dark hateful place you will have a mind full of examples how it’s true. I ask, what kind of world do YOU WANT to see?

Be the change you want to see in the world



Say yes to life! Say yes to the rain, snow, and wind. Say yes to the bills, the unforseen car repair, the loss of a loved one. Say yes, because to say no is to waste your precious life energy fight what is or what has been.

I hate this weather one might think. This means I hate this moment, I hate what is. How does it feel to think we hate what is? It feels like a struggle, unpleasant, angry.

How do we show up in our lives when we fight what is? Tense, hostile, aggressive.

Say what you will about this thinking but when I accept what is I feel great joy, when I fight I suffer.

Example: “Someone needs to push carts.” My team lead states. “I’d love too!” I reply. I feel joy, enthusiasm, harmony, inner peace. Yes even when it’s cold and/or snowing. I say yes to the weather too!

When there are several drive ups and guests needing help, if I start to think I can’t do it all, why isn’t anyone helping, this is unfair. I suffer. I’m frantic, bitchy, and angry.

Think about where This might be true for you. Saying yes to life makes sense to me.

These concepts are discussed by great minds such as Byron Katie, Eckhart Tolle, Michael A Singer, Jack Canfield, Susan Jeffers, and many more.

Check Inside

I decided to knit and watch the movie Click staring Adam Sandler last night. I like the moral of this story. In the movie (spoiler if you haven’t seen it) Sandler is looking for the next big break at work, putting his family on hold until some day when things get better, when he is given a “universal” remote control. The remote starts to fast forward automatically through all the things he’s chosen to skip. He realizes how much he is missing out on, but it’s too late.

This movie got me thinking about the things I do or have done in the past to check out of my life. Netflix, hours and hours of Netflix. Drinking. Sleeping. Complaining. Texting. Facebooking. Eating. Doing: i.e. cleaning, straightening, driving, and being unnecessarily busy. Anything to avoid my life, my reality.

In the past two years something has greatly shifted in my life. Through readings and training as a Life Coach, I have come to love being with myself. I drive to work in silence, enjoying the scenery. I have tools to help me know who I am. Now I watch only select shows or movies, and only occasionally. No drinking. I have amazing sleep habits. I stay aware of my judgments of others, and what those judgments say about me.

So dear friends, when the day is hard, and the burden is heavy, and you want to check out, I implore you to check inside. What are you needing in this moment? What thoughts are you believing? What does your heart say?

We have this life to live in the here and now, we may not come by this way again. May you feel the peace within you. The stillness. The love. I love the song lyrics love the one your with. I am, who, I am with, and I love me!

The Good, The Bad, & The Healing

I sing because you sung
I tell stories because you told stories
I try new things because you tried new things
I create because you were creative
I dance because you danced
I am affectionate because I saw you be affectionate

I drank because you drank
I yelled because you yelled
I criticized myself because you have been critical of me
I have felt unloveable because you’ve withheld your love
I have shamed my daughter as you shamed yours
I have hurt as you have hurt

I have learned I’m not the sum of my experience 
I have chosen a different way
I love you and respect your journey
I honor myself by sharing my experience 
I support you with love and acceptance 
Your journey is equal to mine

Blue Moon

When I think of this title I get the image of the three mice from the movie Babe singing Blue Moon.

Blue moon isn’t just a beautiful sight to me though, it’s also a feeling. I try to stay open and not hold on to any one belief to tightly, after all, the only constant is change. This feeling catches me off guard, because I don’t normal pay attention to the moon phases.

Have you ever felt like crying for no reason? You have no idea why, you just feel this heavy weight. Or it might come as an uneasy feeling, something like unrest. This happens to me once a month around the time of the full moon. My inner critic is particularly ruthless at this time as well.

I find it hard to sit and do something for myself, such as knitting or taking a bubble bath. My mind is flooded with thoughts of inadequacy and lack. There’s no time for rest, I hear. Your goals aren’t going to reach themselves.

If I get into defense mode, fighting with reality, I suffer. I toil and writhe, unsatisfied with any thing I decided to do or not do. Unhappy and taking innocent bystanders with me. Then, if I’m lucky, I’ll realize what is happening.

When I become aware of the moons affect on me, I am flooded with self compassion. I accept what is and stop fighting. I can be still with these feelings. I understand I am not my thoughts. My thoughts are not personal. My awareness is the first step in making a change.

More About Unsolicited Advice Girl

A valuable lesson I discovered on my continual journey of self exploration is, I never gave anyone advice I didn’t need to hear myself. Ponder this, what do you hate in others?

“Look at these drunks wasting their lives in a bar.” I would exclaim from the other end of the bar two shots over my limit. “I can’t stand these ladies I work with, all they do is gossip no stop.” I would state right before going off on an in-depth character assassination. “People shouldn’t drink and drive.” Even though I myself was justifying my own drinking and driving.

We outwardly hate in other’s what we don’t want to or can’t see in ourselves. Every time I recommended a book it was a book I needed, with lessons I wanted to be living by. I was unaware of this at the time I engaged in these behaviors (giving unsolicited advice and judging others). I am certainly not immune to them even now that I am aware of these things. But, I believe awareness is the starting place of change. We cannot change that which we are unaware of – this statement may be from something I read.

Consider this, when I believe they should or shouldn’t, or I should or shouldn’t, I am fighting with reality. This was a hard one to get at first. I was spending so much of my energy fighting with what was or what might be. In The Untethered Soul (one of my most favored books) Michael A. Singer writes, “Everything will be ok, once you are ok with everything.” I believe this to be true.

I am an imperfect human, and I am willing to accept what is. I no longer give unsolicited advice, because I accept everyone’s individual journey. We are all fellow travelers, no one’s journey is more or less then my own. This has been an important lesson to learn, allowing me to experience great joy in the face of whatever this moment has to offer.

Unsolicited Advice Girl

Worst Super Hero Ever!

I consider myself a “self-help junky.” You name a self improvement book, I’ve read it or it’s on my list. For the longest time my motto was, “If you’ve got a problem, I know a book!” I would give out unsolicited advice like it was Halloween Candy, except no one was willingly holding their bags open. Please picture me in spandex and a cape, running down and tackling trick-or-treater’s in the streets; shoving candy into their bags with a giant smile on my face, while tears well up in their eyes.

I felt it was my job to impart the wisdom I had learned on anyone who dare tell me about their woes. Trouble with a co-worker, I got you! Trouble with kids, no problem. Can’t get your dog to listen to you, oh yeah! Of course they want to know how to live a better, happier, more fulfilling life… just like me.

I spent much of my time telling others how they should live, and what they should and shouldn’t do. During this time in my life, I had an idea to become a life coach! I could get paid to tell people how to live. Score! I mean I was giving it away any how.

Oh dear, was I wrong. As well meaning as my intention was to help everyone end, (what I perceived as) their suffering, I was unknowingly communicating they were incapable of figuring it out on their own. How much time would you want to spend with someone who shoulded all over you? I have now come across several author’s who write about “should” being synonymous with “shame”.

This makes so much sense, and for that I own many many apologizes for the unsolicited advice I forced on people I loved, and who could have greatly benefited from my compassion, understanding, and support. From the depths of my heart, I am sorry.

You may not find it surprising that my list of friends got pretty bleak. The few people who chose to stay, see through to my very big heart, and past my very big mouth. They understand my intention. My desire to help, albeit misplaced for so long. To these people I owe deep gratitude. Thank you for hanging in there and believing in me!

In the end I have come to understand I don’t have anyone else’s answers. In fact, often I don’t have my own answers. I have worked very hard to get where I am today. It’s been a path worthy of my travel. I am proud of where I stand. Here is a new space for friendship and connection to grow.

I have become a life coach, which is not at all what I thought it was. It is much, much more. A life coach doesn’t give you answers or advice. A life coach supports their clients in discovering what is most important to them; to ask questions without judgement or expectation. Life coach’s help people craft the life they want to live. A life coach is a cheer leader! A shoulder when things didn’t go as planned. Lastly a coach will help you stay focused on what you are here to do. If life isn’t a 10 out of 10, it might help to talk to a coach. I truly believe everyone deserves to have an amazing life, whatever that means to them!

The Insignificance of Significant Days

Welcome to 2020! Here we are at the “start” of another year, but what does that mean? Doesn’t each person’s year start on the day of their birth? Therefore, shouldn’t we treat birthdays as Happy New Years? My opinion is no. Throw out Christmas, Valentines Day, kill the Easter Bunny, and no more birthdays.

I know what you might be thinking, this lady is a life coach? This person considers her self a optimist, a Polly Anna even? Yes! I do consider myself these things.

Please hear me out. When we are waiting for pay day, for a holiday, a birthday, or whatever day you personally value, we often miss out on today. This moment, here and now.

You might look at your three day old PJ pants, cold beverage, television and think, what’s special about this moment? Well, nothing when we’re just waiting for something better to come along. We are missing our lives.

I asked someone I met recently, “How long have you been with the company?” To which they replied “Something like three years, but I don’t know I try not to pay attention.” Another person when asked how they were doing stated, “Just trying to stay distracted.”

WHAT!?!? I am disheartened by this numbing out which is so common place. The constant cascade of nothing, but feeling endlessly busy. Do you know this person? “I never have any time. Did you see the next season of (whatever the hell is new) is out? I just binge watched the whole thing!”

I spent most of my life checked out. I would always have the TV or radio on so I wouldn’t have to be alone with my thoughts. I would gossip, focusing on everyone else, but never looking at my own reality. But I could only run so far, for so long. In the end the suffering was daily. Always fighting with reality.

So what is the point? When we numb the dark, the hurt, the anger, we also numb the light, the joy, and the peace. We can’t see the beauty around us. We don’t enjoy the rain, or sunshine, or anything. We are just getting to the next thing. Treading water.

Why wait until Mother’s Day to send flowers, anniversaries to give gifts, Earth Day to express appreciation and gratitude. Don’t wait.

Dear friend, take a moment now. Take a deep breath in, completely fill your lungs with air. Relax and release. Slow down. See the wonder all around you.

This is your life, don’t you want to be present for it? Dare to engage. Dare to give 100% to everything you do. Dare to live this one life you have been gifted by the universe.